the way i experience korea now is different from the way i experienced it a year ago

It suddenly occurs to me sometimes that I have been in Korea for a long time (but a year isn't that long, is it?) and it makes me feel strange. It's turning cold in Seoul, the huge maple leaves are starting to fall again, and everything brings back memories of last fall, when I was first trying to adjust to being in Korea. (Not that I'm not still trying to adjust to being in Korea, but hopefully you know what I mean.)

My stress level was so high back then, I don't know how I managed it. Remember my weekly breakdowns? Remember I used to be afraid of my students, prayed every day for class to be canceled? I used to sometimes call in sick to work on Mondays because I had no lesson plan ready (not for lack of trying) and my mental state was not sufficiently stable to confront 600 essentially unknown students (because back then they were all a blur to me [which is not to say that they look the same because ASIANS DON'T ALL LOOK THE SAME AND THEY NEVER WILL, but more to say that there were 600 of them, and I was dealing with so many things at the same time and stressed out about so many things at the same time that it was impossible, for a while, for me to learn my students names and personalities like I know them now]) with any semblance of confidence (sorry, that was a really obnoxious parenthetical).

I don't do that now. I've only called in sick once since last winter vacation, and it was because I had heatstroke or mono or both, not because I was breaking down for lack of a lesson plan. I have more confidence in my teaching, now. I still usually spend a lot of time on lesson plans- brainstorming ideas and making worksheets and games and powerpoints -and I still usually prepare lessons a few days in advance, but if I go to school an hour before my first class (sometimes feasible, sometimes not) with nothing prepared, not even an idea, I know that in that hour I will be able to produce a fully functional lesson, with new vocab, easy sentence structures to practice, at least one dialogue activity, at least one game, and usually some optional and flexible activities as well, in case things don't go as planned. That's not that much, but it's way more than I was capable of before, and that I am capable of it makes my life a lot less stressful.

It's strange though, to be experiencing fall in Korea again with this lens of not-stress while at the same time remembering (and having nostalgia for?) crunching the same big leaves, drinking the same yuja tea, climbing different mountains with the same 단풍, all with a huge wad of anxiety sitting heavy in my stomach. I kind of miss my breakdowns. They were reliable, you know? and a good release of pent up emotions too. I kind of miss my anxiety, huge motivator that it was. I felt as though I was in a constant state of producing and developing and learning, which was stressful, but also felt good. (I am still producing and developing and learning now, just at a slower rate [I guess] and also with periods of lethargy that were completely absent a year ago.)

All I really wanted to tell you was how strange it is to remember my anxiety with fondness, sorry it took so long. For nostalgia's sake, watch these: