144 days

if orange means scars and a childish need for love and red means anger, selfish power, and yellow joy, and dark blue the need for perfection, and gold mature wisdom, and pink childish love, and magenta mature love, then what did you mean when you said i have problems with green, that i don't create enough space for myself?

i've been counting down the days all this time, but then when So-Yeon counted down the months for me (there are 5 of them left) i couldn't take it, suddenly wanted to cry.

wish list: travel, meet good people, be happy

two people who know me well (as well as i have allowed anyone here to know me) told me to stop being so critical and negative about myself at two different times on the same day, must be true. in korean: 부정적으로 보지 마!

there are things that i once considered core to my identity that are no longer the same: 1. i do not seem to either want or need the alone time i couldn't do without - hate being alone, even, would rather always be together. when we meditate, one of the things we focus on is the phrase 같이 있어 줘 (be with me/stay with me) and i feel more moved by the idea of constantly being together with someone/a community than i would have ever thought possible. 2. i like mornings, now. i woke up an hour earlier than strictly necessary every day this past week to hike over the mountain to school with Ko Jae-Ho teacher, felt energized by it, enjoyed seeing the school in the morning light from the mountain. rising early is suddenly desirable, not dreaded.

would i be happy if i stayed longer in korea? will i be happy when i "return" to michigan? just because i'm in the place i grew up in doesn't mean my mind will be comfortable. (don't you leave your bibles on my desk and then try to tell me it's not about religious pressure.)

내가 사람을 필요하는 것 싫지 않은데 혼자할때 외롭지 않았으면 좋겠다.