For Jordana

I really do feel like

I am in some French

movie,

blam putting

down a general

cup of tea. The

lights are thus

and I squiggling

then returning

to my work

quietly squeezed

through the

day that's captured

some way

separately

not the squares

of the cinema

but envelopes

of affection

spea

spep

spe

separation

I think writing

is desire

not a form

of it. It's feeling

into space,

tucked into

language

slipped

into time,

opened,

felt. All this

as a matter

of course

of course

yet being

here somehow,

open

these days (134 days)

these days the time flies, I am busy from early morning until dinnertime with little time to think in between. After school class keeps me more than occupied.

these days I wake up at 5 am to do yoga with So-Yeon and Mon, Wed, & Fri and to hike over the mountain to school with Ko Jae-Ho teacher on Tues & Thurs. These days I have a preoccupation with exercise. These days my muscles never stop being sore in some part of my body.

these days I have a new journal that I like a lot, which is probably part of the reason I don't blog much lately.

these days I am studying Chinese characters (as they have been incorporated into Korean vocabulary and sayings). Because the heavens are above, their light is muddy black; because the earth is below, it's light is muddy yellow. The space between heaven and earth is wide and big and has no end. In conclusion, the world is wide.

144 days

if orange means scars and a childish need for love and red means anger, selfish power, and yellow joy, and dark blue the need for perfection, and gold mature wisdom, and pink childish love, and magenta mature love, then what did you mean when you said i have problems with green, that i don't create enough space for myself?

i've been counting down the days all this time, but then when So-Yeon counted down the months for me (there are 5 of them left) i couldn't take it, suddenly wanted to cry.

wish list: travel, meet good people, be happy

two people who know me well (as well as i have allowed anyone here to know me) told me to stop being so critical and negative about myself at two different times on the same day, must be true. in korean: 부정적으로 보지 마!

there are things that i once considered core to my identity that are no longer the same: 1. i do not seem to either want or need the alone time i couldn't do without - hate being alone, even, would rather always be together. when we meditate, one of the things we focus on is the phrase 같이 있어 줘 (be with me/stay with me) and i feel more moved by the idea of constantly being together with someone/a community than i would have ever thought possible. 2. i like mornings, now. i woke up an hour earlier than strictly necessary every day this past week to hike over the mountain to school with Ko Jae-Ho teacher, felt energized by it, enjoyed seeing the school in the morning light from the mountain. rising early is suddenly desirable, not dreaded.

would i be happy if i stayed longer in korea? will i be happy when i "return" to michigan? just because i'm in the place i grew up in doesn't mean my mind will be comfortable. (don't you leave your bibles on my desk and then try to tell me it's not about religious pressure.)

내가 사람을 필요하는 것 싫지 않은데 혼자할때 외롭지 않았으면 좋겠다.