even after all that i still caught myself putting my students on the spotlight,

making my classroom an unsafe place for them. Despite how much I hate that when I am a student.

School continues to happen, and I think I've finally found a way of preparing for my classes that doesn't make the classroom computer into my adversary.

We had a writing class today (kind of). Highlights include:

• "fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you"
• "My favorite is you. (lie)"

Taught my old, old 1st graders (the first 1st graders I ever had) for the first time in a long time today, they're 3rd graders now. It was fun to see their funny faces, fun to see how they've changed in some ways and stayed the same in others. One quiet student who's always been something of an outcast to his peers (came from an abusive home, used to be bullied a lot at school, used to carry a knife with him all the time in his backpack for self defense, never seemed to respond to anything I could ever say to him in 1st grade) is still quiet, but seeks information from me in a quiet way that he never did before. It seems like he has more confidence now. We seemed to be on the same page today, I like it when that happens.

I like having Park Mi-Ran back in my department - the head of my department, right in front of me, and I feel comfortable with that. She's so funny, makes comments about how my head keeps popping up and down over the barrier between us, says "It's nice to see you once in a while." We laugh together all the time now. Maybe this level of comfort with my school would have eventually come anyway, even if the immovable force had continued to dominate my life way back when.

Had my first class with my new male co-teacher today - he's very nice and understands (and possibly speaks) English very well; we haven't had a single miscommunication yet, which is something. Class was ok, but I don't think we discussed our roles enough beforehand, because he just stood there and hardly said anything, didn't seem to feel comfortable inserting himself into my class. I'm just so used to taking an authoritative role, I'm afraid I pushed him to the sidelines, maybe the same way that I used to feel pushed to the sidelines by Park Mi-Ran in the old days. Maybe I'll buy him a cake and tell him how good his English is and to please make himself at home in my classroom. I've already discovered I need to get stricter with discipline with the 3rd grade Robot Electronics students than I've ever been before, and it would sure be nice to have someone to help me enforce that. SO ROWDY. Hopefully me and Lee Sang-Chul Teacher work our way into the lovely teaching groove that I have with the rest of my co-teachers.

Skipping meditation, 힘이 없어. Classes were a little rough on me today, but I feel a little optimistic about this semester anyway. It's the dead silent classes that sink my energy the most, but 1st graders are always dead silent the first week. The rowdy 3rd graders were a relief - even though it's been ages since we were together, good to know I have students I can laugh and goof around with, who react with energy when I enter the classroom.