I just meditated with U Young-Hee teacher for the first time in about a month, and we shared about our lives like we usually do, and she said she plans to stay at our school for another year so that she can study English with me.
(I'm probably leaving after a little more than 1 semester.)
Guilt.
Monday, 29 November 2010
I can't help but wrinkle my nose at Han Jin-An teacher lately.
(i.e. my 61-year-old male co-teacher - and I wouldn't mention age and sex here if it wasn't important, if it didn't give him a huge number of privileges and leniences that younger, female teachers would never dream of.)
I'm pretty sure I've ranted about him before to all of you, but it's just that lately I keep on walking past his classes and seeing in the windows while he's "teaching" - and it really, really looks like he's not teaching. Granted, I sometimes give my students free time if they have done well and finished the lesson early, and maybe he's doing the same thing -- it's just that every time I walk past his classroom, 75% of the students are sleeping and the rest are on their cell phones or mp3 players while Han Jin-An teacher appears to be reading something silently at his desk.
I had a required teachers' training a while ago, and it fell on the day all my classes are with Han Jin-An (ergo, he had to teach all the classes that I usually manage). Afterwards, I heard from Mother hen #2 (for anyone who cares to look back at the high school yearbook) that he had complained all day about how "힘들다" (difficult, laborious - there's no perfect english translation) it was. But what was so hard about it? The 40 students he taught that day are the same students he teaches 3 times a week (not counting the hours he's supposed to be teaching with me), so he should be somewhat accustomed to them, right? He should have developed a teaching strategy? He knew in advance that I would be gone, it's not like I sprang it on him.
Sometimes, when the C-level students take their English tests, they only make an effort on the material that I taught in my class. The rest of the questions (the things they should have learned in Han Jin-An's class) they just leave blank. Not always - sometimes they make an effort on other questions, sometimes they leave everything blank - but it happens enough to make me wonder what exactly happens in his class. Has he completely given up on teaching them anything? Does he not care that there are some students in his class who do want to learn, if only he would teach them something they could understand?
Some of the students who were in B-level last semester and dropped down after the mid-term have complained to I Young-Gyung (who teaches B-level) that there's no way they can get out of C-level. It makes me so angry that Han Jin-An has made no effort to adjust his teaching methods to the students' needs and that there is nothing that I or even the immovable force can do about it, because he is 61 years old and male.
I'm pretty sure I've ranted about him before to all of you, but it's just that lately I keep on walking past his classes and seeing in the windows while he's "teaching" - and it really, really looks like he's not teaching. Granted, I sometimes give my students free time if they have done well and finished the lesson early, and maybe he's doing the same thing -- it's just that every time I walk past his classroom, 75% of the students are sleeping and the rest are on their cell phones or mp3 players while Han Jin-An teacher appears to be reading something silently at his desk.
I had a required teachers' training a while ago, and it fell on the day all my classes are with Han Jin-An (ergo, he had to teach all the classes that I usually manage). Afterwards, I heard from Mother hen #2 (for anyone who cares to look back at the high school yearbook) that he had complained all day about how "힘들다" (difficult, laborious - there's no perfect english translation) it was. But what was so hard about it? The 40 students he taught that day are the same students he teaches 3 times a week (not counting the hours he's supposed to be teaching with me), so he should be somewhat accustomed to them, right? He should have developed a teaching strategy? He knew in advance that I would be gone, it's not like I sprang it on him.
Sometimes, when the C-level students take their English tests, they only make an effort on the material that I taught in my class. The rest of the questions (the things they should have learned in Han Jin-An's class) they just leave blank. Not always - sometimes they make an effort on other questions, sometimes they leave everything blank - but it happens enough to make me wonder what exactly happens in his class. Has he completely given up on teaching them anything? Does he not care that there are some students in his class who do want to learn, if only he would teach them something they could understand?
Some of the students who were in B-level last semester and dropped down after the mid-term have complained to I Young-Gyung (who teaches B-level) that there's no way they can get out of C-level. It makes me so angry that Han Jin-An has made no effort to adjust his teaching methods to the students' needs and that there is nothing that I or even the immovable force can do about it, because he is 61 years old and male.
Saturday, 27 November 2010
AHHHH WHY DO I NEVER STOP LOVING T-ARA
(it might have something to do with them being nearly the only female group that regularly admits to (in their music videos) a certain promiscuity (i.e. going to clubs to dance dirty and pick up men). That said, the way they say "Welcome to your wonderland, everyday I knock knock knock knock ..." is kind of annoying.
Friday, 26 November 2010
today is a guilt-ridden day
I feel guilty about making the decision to once more not visit the U.S. this upcoming winter vacation, which means you all have to wait until the end of my contract to see me. I feel guilty about the fact that I'm going to miss my 3rd graders' graduation day this February. I also feel guilty about announcing my prospective departure from Korea to I Young-Gyung, who is almost always the first person in Korea to know anything about me.
First, the reason why I won't be coming to Michigan during my 5-week vacation this Jan/Feb: I'm taking the Cambridge CELTA (Certificate in English Language Teaching to Adults) course in Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam. This is something I've been wanting to do almost since I started teaching last September, but the timing never worked. This time, I've finally found a program within a reasonable distance of Korea with timing that corresponds with my vacation time, and because of the extra vacation days I received as a contract renewal bonus, I am able to take off the length of time required. For anyone that doesn't know, taking the CELTA will be a huge help in improving my teaching methods (within a short and intense period of time) and in finding a job teaching English in almost any country around the world.
All of that is the reason I'll miss the 3rd graders' graduation day, since graduation falls right in the middle of my planned vacation. I'm hoping I can hold a congratulations party on their last day of class with me instead. I'll miss them.
And finally, I feel guilt towards I Young-Gyung and many other teachers at my school because I love them so much and will miss them so much and because they want me to stay so much and will be so sad when I leave next August. And yes, I do think I'm confident enough to say "when I leave next August" now. I posted a few days ago about my conflict over whether to leave or not, but frankly, part of my hesitation that I didn't mention was a reluctance to leave the comfortable job that is helping me greatly in paying off my student loans. Part of my fear of coming back to Michigan for any length of time is not being able to find a job; part of my obsession with finding a job is that the idea of not having steady income to make my loan payments scares me. Part of the reason I was considering staying in Korea for a third year is that it would have guaranteed the disappearance of all of my loans.
But that reason for my hesitation changed when I checked the balance on my now-largest student loan a few days ago and found a huge, sudden, and unexpected deposit from my parents which may enable me to finish out my current contract with all my loans payed off, and possibly with one or two thousand dollars to spare. (Thanks for that, parents.)
What that all means is that (noting that there are still 9 months to go before such a time comes to pass and that I change my mind frequently) I think I'm leaving my job here after my current contract, and coming back to Michigan for a period of time to visit my family and friends after 2 years. I don't think I'll be looking to get a job there, though I might decide to consider jobs in the U.S. - I think my general plan would be to take a rest for a few months and see what the job market is like in other places I'm interested in going. Chile is one of these places, so is Vietnam. So is Portland. We'll have to see.
Anyway, this post is to tell you that while you can't expect to see me this winter, you can expect my tentative return at the end of next August. If you've been wondering what's going on with North Korea through all of this, your guess is as good as mine. It's not even a topic of conversation in Seoul. Life proceeds as normal.
Tuesday, 23 November 2010
I'm going to sleep soon, and I'm not freaking out anymore.
South Korean officials seem more concerned with how the incident will affect the economy/stock markets than with any future conflict escalation.
No one I talk to in Seoul is worried about war breaking out. It's a strategy by Kim Jong-Il, they think, to convince South Korea and the UN to give North Korea the money and food aid that they received in the past. It's an overt attack, which makes it different, but my co-workers seem to perceive it in the same light as they view the sinking of the South Korean ship (which was probably blown up by North Korea, but North Korea never admitted it): a reason to hate Kim Jong-Il and be angry at the North Korean government/army, but not enough reason to go to war.
South Korea usually thinks that foreign news agencies (read: US news agencies) always blow North Korean actions out of proportion, so bear that in mind. Here's an article by the Korean Times and another article by the Korean Times and here are some quotes from Seoul residents and here is a site where you can vote on whether you think the conflict will escalate.
I'm off to bed, it's been an emotional day. If you want to follow what the news is in Seoul or what I'm thinking about this whole thing, I plan to keep this blog updated really regularly so everyone continues to know what's going on with me. Have a peaceful day. Goodnight.
I'M KIND OF FREAKING OUT
This is the first time North Korea has blatantly threatened and then followed through with an attack on South Korea in a long time, guys. WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN.
[긴급] 北, 연평도에 해안포 50여발 공격 November 23, 2010 | |
North Korea fired more than 200 artillery shells into Yeonpyeong Island and the South Korean Navy directly returned fire after 2:34 p.m. today. The South Korean Joint Chiefs of Staff confirmed that multiple buildings on the island were destroyed by North Korean shells. They put five islands in the area of the attack on highest military alert. One fatality, a South Korean marine, was confirmed by the military, and 13 soldiers were wounded on the island and four civilians. Soldiers and civilians were brought to hospitals. South Korea started returning fire at 3:42 p.m. and fired around 80 rounds. Around 4:42, shots were reported to die down from both sides, according to the South Korean military. South Korea dispatched F-16 fighter jets to the area. Residents of the island started evacuating.
This picture is of the western maritime border (the main land you see is North Korea) and the red explosion mark is where the attack took place. President Lee Myung-bak was quoted by his spokeswoman as saying: "Respond firmly, but make the best efforts not to worsen the situation." The South Korea military also reported "unusual movements" of military equipment on the North Korean coast near South Korea's Baekryeong Island. An annual nationwide military drill, called the Hoguk exercise, which include U.S. forces, began yesterday. A thousand Korean Navy sailors are posted on Yeonpyeong Island. North Korea has described the annual drill as a dress rehearsal for an invasion of the North. South Korean military officials said that most shells hit a military base on the island. The United States Forces Korea reported there were no American soldiers on the island. The U.S. embassy in Seoul refused to comment, and said any statement would probably come out of Washington. The clashes took place 11 days after North Korea showed a visiting American nuclear scientist centrifuges that it said were being used to enrich uranium, which can be used in nuclear weapons. South Korean government officials were called to an emergency meeting with President Lee at an underground bunker beneath the presidential compound. One islander said that most of the citizens on the island were on fishing boats when the attack occurred, as the majority of the islanders are fishermen, saying that this was the first time that shells had fallen on the island. China expressed concern, Reuters reported, quoting a foreign ministry spokesman, telling a news conference that both sides of the Korean Peninsula should "do more to contribute to peace." Al Jazeera news reported the Chinese spokesman as saying: "We have taken note of the relevant report and we express concern over the situation." According to Kyodo News, Japan set up an information coordination office after the attacks. Naval clashes have occurred near the disputed maritime border on the West Coast, with the last conflict happening a year ago which left a North Korean patrol boat badly damaged with one known casualty on the North Korean side. According to Reuters, stocks in Hong Kong posted the biggest single day percentage lost in six months because of the attack. By Christine Kim [christine.kim@joongang.co.kr |
UPDATE:
One person has died so far, and buildings on a mountain on the western island that was bombed are still on fire. What I'm learning is that I react to these situations in an extremely American way, which is to say I freak out. No one around me is freaking out (which is either making me freak out less or freak out more, since I have no other worried person to compare myself to). Everyone is calm and going about their daily lives and having normal daily conversations. They tell me that it's just politics, and that nothing is going to happen -- which could very well be true, I guess. They have lived here all their lives, and they know more about how this works than I do.
I guess my knee-jerk reaction might be the assumption that an overt attack (or at least one that results in death) is pretty much equal to a declaration of war. Tell me if you think I'm wrong, but I think that's how it works in the U.S. (not that I think it should work that way). But the U.S. always declares war elsewhere - if the Koreas were suddenly at war, all the destruction would be at home for them, and that's a powerful motivator to not declare war.
Don't freak out, guys. I'll be fine. If you find yourself freaking out, call me. I'll be home tonight.
I'm confused about where I want to go with this.
A co-worker told me this morning that I will be a good daughter-in-law (you have to understand, this wouldn't seem like a strange compliment to you if you lived in Korea).
This co-worker happened to be Kang Shin-Gu (I LOVE GOLF/LOOK AT ME I'M SO CHARISMATIC P.E. Teacher), who I actually am fairly friendly with because I can be (almost) completely frank with him without the conversation becoming awkward. He's eternally a joker; he smiled when he thanked me for contributing money for his father's funeral (giving about 20,000 won [$20] is routine procedure when co-workers and acquaintances get married or have a death in the family).
The reason this came up is because a different co-worker had complimented my Korean and said she hopes I stay in Korea a long time. The implication was "You will be a good daughter-in-law [when you marry into a Korean family]." In response, I said "결혼 하고 싶지 않은데요" (we were talking in Korean). The verb ending is hard to explain, but it's essentially a polite and slightly (but not very) indirect way of saying, "But I don't want to get married..."
He was surprised (though I've told him this before, owing to our frank relationship) and asked me if I had a scar from a previous relationship. I said "그런 거 없어요. 그냥 하고 싶지 않아요." (There's nothing like that, I just don't want to.) Both co-workers agreed that I would change my mind when I was older; it's only because I'm young that I don't want to get married. I didn't try to argue with them.
It's not that I'm confused about whether I want to marry a Korean man and become a good daughter-in-law to his Korean parents. I know I don't want that, because when I say I don't want to get married, it's not something I think I'll grow out of (see: I think marriage is a sexist institution, I don't believe in "traditional family" ideals, I'm queer, etc).
What I'm confused about is how long I want to stay in Korea. I fluctuate on this, I know. Half a year ago, I was telling all of you I might stay here for 5 years. A couple months ago, I told you I was almost definitely leaving after I finish this year's contract.
Many days, I feel like I know in my gut that I won't renew my contract again (the same way last year at this same time I felt I knew that I would renew). I'm tired of being stared at on the street. Not being able to walk to the places I need to go wears on me more and more - I need to leave the city soon and live in someplace with grass everywhere. As much as I care about the environment, I hate spending forever in crowded public transit (though I have gotten used to it to some extent). I feel suffocated by the sexism, and the racism, and the heteronormativity, and the homophobia, and the body image obsessiveness, and the intrusive pressure to convert to Christianity. There are lots of things that bother me, and they grate on me more and more the longer I stay.
Then someone says to me, "I hope you stay in Korea for a long time." Or Yena says to me, "You have to stay for at least 2 more years so you can come to my wedding." (I love Yena! I would love to go to her wedding!) And then I feel regret. There are a lot of people here that I love, and the fact that they don't know me as well as they think they do doesn't negate the fact that I love them. If I leave next August, I will feel regret for not spending longer with these people, not learning Korean fluently, not hiking more mountains, not swimming in more Korean seas. I will feel guilt over leaving, as though I have an obligation to stay. (Where did this obligation come from?)
But guilt is rarely enough to make me stay somewhere, and that's probably best. If something changes before next May and makes me decide I want to stay longer, I guess I'll stay. But if the only reason to stay is guilt over leaving, it's probably time to go. I don't want to start hating Korea.
I know you have things to say about this (@bird_esque @twcwar @warmandbarky @andmyfeetare @whitpow). I feel like we don't tweet at each other or comment on each other's blogs anymore. :(
This co-worker happened to be Kang Shin-Gu (I LOVE GOLF/LOOK AT ME I'M SO CHARISMATIC P.E. Teacher), who I actually am fairly friendly with because I can be (almost) completely frank with him without the conversation becoming awkward. He's eternally a joker; he smiled when he thanked me for contributing money for his father's funeral (giving about 20,000 won [$20] is routine procedure when co-workers and acquaintances get married or have a death in the family).
The reason this came up is because a different co-worker had complimented my Korean and said she hopes I stay in Korea a long time. The implication was "You will be a good daughter-in-law [when you marry into a Korean family]." In response, I said "결혼 하고 싶지 않은데요" (we were talking in Korean). The verb ending is hard to explain, but it's essentially a polite and slightly (but not very) indirect way of saying, "But I don't want to get married..."
He was surprised (though I've told him this before, owing to our frank relationship) and asked me if I had a scar from a previous relationship. I said "그런 거 없어요. 그냥 하고 싶지 않아요." (There's nothing like that, I just don't want to.) Both co-workers agreed that I would change my mind when I was older; it's only because I'm young that I don't want to get married. I didn't try to argue with them.
It's not that I'm confused about whether I want to marry a Korean man and become a good daughter-in-law to his Korean parents. I know I don't want that, because when I say I don't want to get married, it's not something I think I'll grow out of (see: I think marriage is a sexist institution, I don't believe in "traditional family" ideals, I'm queer, etc).
What I'm confused about is how long I want to stay in Korea. I fluctuate on this, I know. Half a year ago, I was telling all of you I might stay here for 5 years. A couple months ago, I told you I was almost definitely leaving after I finish this year's contract.
Many days, I feel like I know in my gut that I won't renew my contract again (the same way last year at this same time I felt I knew that I would renew). I'm tired of being stared at on the street. Not being able to walk to the places I need to go wears on me more and more - I need to leave the city soon and live in someplace with grass everywhere. As much as I care about the environment, I hate spending forever in crowded public transit (though I have gotten used to it to some extent). I feel suffocated by the sexism, and the racism, and the heteronormativity, and the homophobia, and the body image obsessiveness, and the intrusive pressure to convert to Christianity. There are lots of things that bother me, and they grate on me more and more the longer I stay.
Then someone says to me, "I hope you stay in Korea for a long time." Or Yena says to me, "You have to stay for at least 2 more years so you can come to my wedding." (I love Yena! I would love to go to her wedding!) And then I feel regret. There are a lot of people here that I love, and the fact that they don't know me as well as they think they do doesn't negate the fact that I love them. If I leave next August, I will feel regret for not spending longer with these people, not learning Korean fluently, not hiking more mountains, not swimming in more Korean seas. I will feel guilt over leaving, as though I have an obligation to stay. (Where did this obligation come from?)
But guilt is rarely enough to make me stay somewhere, and that's probably best. If something changes before next May and makes me decide I want to stay longer, I guess I'll stay. But if the only reason to stay is guilt over leaving, it's probably time to go. I don't want to start hating Korea.
I know you have things to say about this (@bird_esque @twcwar @warmandbarky @andmyfeetare @whitpow). I feel like we don't tweet at each other or comment on each other's blogs anymore. :(
Sunday, 21 November 2010
Friday, 19 November 2010
I like the tiny chandeliers, though.
I don't know anything about this music video or this band or which fairy tale they're trying to reference. Also, I have no idea what the lyrics mean.
Thursday, 18 November 2010
a book of English poems by the best translator of Korean poetry that I've been able to find:
Don Mee Choi was born in South Korea and immigrated to Hong Kong, and then to the U.S., in her early teens. Her poems are about colonization & translation & displacement & urination & I love her. This is her first book of poems, since she has until now primarily translated the works of contemporary Korean women. Read this:
DIARY OF RETURN
8 AUG 2002
I arrived below the 38th parallel. Everyone and every place I know are below the waist of a nation. Before I arrived, empire arrived, that is to say empire is great. I follow its geography. From a distance the waist below looks like any other small rural village of winding alleys and traditional tile-roofed houses surrounded by rice paddies, vegetable fields, and mountains. It reminded me of home, that is to say this is my home.
Close up: clubs, restaurants, souvenir and clothing stores with signs in English, that is to say English has arrived before me and was here even before I had left. PAPA SAN, LOVE SHOP, POP'S, GOLDEN TAILOR, PAWN. I followed the signs and they led to one of the gates to Camp Stanley, a heliport, that is to say language is not to be believed but to be obeyed, and to compel obedience. A woman in her seventies lived next to LOVE SHOP. She was taking an afternoon nap. She has never left below the waist and eventually came to be regarded as a great patriot by her government, that is to say she followed the signs and suffered from lice infestation during the war and passed the lice on to the GIs. I followed the houses that reminded me of home. They led me to another metal gate and barbed wire. Another woman was having lunch at My Sister's Place. She did not remember which year she had returned except that she remembered hearing about the assassination of our Father, that is to say she was here and I was still elsewhere and the unity of language is fundamentally political. She told me a story with her right index finger. Her finger fiercely pointed to her mouth, then between her spread legs, and then her behind. She had no choice under the GI's gun, that is to say she had no choice about absolute choice, that is to say her poverty was without choice and when absolute choice was forced upon her she chose a GI, that is to say she chose empire because empire is greater than our Father, that is to say she followed and left her daughter to its geography and her index finger had no choice but be fierce under absolute choice, that is to say she had arrived home.
my summer of super junior, no other like you
something I forgot to show you:
I'd be lying x100 if I said I didn't love the cowboy look.
I'd be lying x100 if I said I didn't love the cowboy look.
Thursday, 4 November 2010
This is your last speaking test.
Make yr own dialogue, I said,
is cave. If we ride on a raft the
monster will eat us.
Let's find some timber. Let's find some
tools.
We can cook a fish, grill it, and
then eat.
Escape is impossible. The monster
is blood. If you try to escape the
will fall slowly into your
underwear until they become
Let's live together. Let's open the pollack and slide
our fingernails between the skeleton and the
flesh.
that we must eat.
This is not a deserted island. You are not
wearing underwear. Let's
not make this a religious debate but the truth is there's
blood
pooling in your crotch.
Something has fallen out of me.
They said
yes.
동글
is cave. If we ride on a raft the
monster will eat us.
Let's find some timber. Let's find some
keen-edged
tools.
We can cook a fish, grill it, and
then eat.
Escape is impossible. The monster
is blood. If you try to escape the
blood
will fall slowly into your
underwear until they become
soggy.
Let's live together. Let's open the pollack and slide
our fingernails between the skeleton and the
flesh.
There are many things here
that we must eat.
This is not a deserted island. You are not
wearing underwear. Let's
not make this a religious debate but the truth is there's
blood
pooling in your crotch.
Something has fallen out of me.
They said
YOUR EAR IS A CAVE, and I answered
yes.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)